I think the design you proposed draws attention to the wrong parts of the page for your goal.
Currently due to the pop-out of the 'X' and the boldness of the letters 'We cannot offer you [a] loan', your user is being drawn to clear messages of rejection from you. They are seeing that you are saying no, but the objective reasoning for 'why' is tucked away below (their credit score is much lower than your required limits).
I think the credit score should be front and center. If the first (and main) thing they see is 'credit score: 22' (perhaps the color of the '22' could be changed based on the 'badness' of their score) than that gives them the message that they have a bad credit score and that it is lower than your limit - they are not subjectively being told no by a company but they did not meet objective requirements. And then you can tell them that 'unfortunately' their credit score is lower than the required limits and you are unable to offer them a loan at this time.
I think the fact that you link them to ways to improve their credit score is a great idea though. Rejection/failures are best given with a direction for the user to move forward. In this particular case, offering advice of ways to improve their score or offering contact information to get advice for how to improve their score is valuable feedback.
As @Ken Mohnkern mentioned, definitely get a professional writer to edit your text.